Week N : Thursday

I have no idea what ‘week’ it is now, and it’s not really relevant anymore, so I’ll ditch that.

I worked at my job for 3 1/2 weeks before things went to hell. Although there was even less to do at DPI than at DOT, I was having a perfectly nice Wednesday before Gaz’s brother gave me a nasty serve about how un-nice I am. While I cried about that in the toilet, a crazy cat woman called my boss and told her to fuck off! WHAT? My very lovely boss sent me to work from home for a couple of days, and when Friday afternoon rocked around she sacked me.

…

Gaz spent those days angry with me because I was upset. So that was pretty awesome as well. Our relationship has generally been kind of bollocksed since he said all those wonderful things I quoted in my last entry -  maybe he spooked himself, I’m not sure. We’re sticking at it and trying though, I think we’re both tired and overwhelmed by life a little bit. I mean, we don’t hate each other or anything, we’ve just lost a bit of spark, I think.

So I’m trying to find more work. I’ve been doing my normal web design stuff, which I am enjoying (though one job in particular seems to go on and on), and this week did some temping for DFAT, which was really interesting. I’m at home typing up the notes from that now to email on.

I moved into a new house about a week and a half ago, in Brighton East. So far I’ve had some difficulty staying there because I miss the girls so much, and it seems like a horrible thing to be so nearby (literally in the next suburb) but not be spending my time with them. I mean, what kind of a parent does that? So I come back and see them, then I stay the night and don’t stay at my house, and so it goes. Lame and expensive and not helpful, I don’t know. Can’t figure out if it’s because I actually don’t really want to leave, or something else, or just because I’m really lame.

Nanna is coming over from Adelaide on Saturday. I am excited, but my brain has been cloudy and confused for a few weeks now and I’m worried that her being here might exacerbate that, worlds colliding and whatnot.

Football on Friday night too – me, Meg, Gaz and Julia.

Update over.

Week 28 : Sunday

Conversation from the very tiredest, rawest place, whilst in bed on Thursday night.

GAZ I’m not going to go away for as long as I’d planned.

Gaz rarely speaks out of the blue, especially when he could be sleeping instead, so this was quite unusual.

ME What? Why?

GAZ I want you.

ME You don’t have to say those things just because I bought you tanks.

GAZ …

ME …

GAZ I don’t want to lose you. I want to come back and live with you and have heaps of cats.

ME … … … …

So I hugged him a lot, as you might imagine.

GAZ I love you so much.

The end.

Week 27 : Monday

I am talking myself into a frenzy inside my head, as per usual. Being depressed is hard work.

I’m here at my new job and it’s going pretty well. The work itself is nowhere to be found, so I have been doing some other work to pass the time and that’s been a very productive exercise. I’m lucky enough to have local admin rights and FTP access on this machine, so I have a lot of flexibility. The view is great and the people are very nice. I worry about being stuck in mundaneness yet again.

Gaz and I are perfect if it wasn’t for his leaving, and I continue to surprise myself with the depth and longevity of my devastation about it. I feel as though he’s already left and I am having a relationship with a ghost, prolonging the inevitable and further and further in love with someone I have a completely uncertain (but likely non-existant) future with.

Anyway, that’s boring. Otherwise, things are pretty great and I’ll shake this off eventually.

Week 26 : Tuesday

Half a fucking year has passed. Wow.

It is nearly a year since I met Gaz and he stole my heart away. I could never have imagined how many ways he would save me, protect me and make me feel whole again.

Sonnets on Love XIII

“Give me a place to stand,” Archimedes said,
“and I can move the world.” Paradoxical, clever,
his remark which first explained the use of the lever
was an academic joke. But if that dead

sage could return to life, he would find a clear
demonstration of his idea, which is not
pure theory after all. That putative spot
exists in the love I feel for you, my dear.

What could be more immovable or stronger?
What becomes more and more secure, the longer
it is battered by inconstancy and the stress

we find in our lives? Here is that fine fixed point
from which to move a world that is out of joint,
as he could have done, had he known a love like this.

by Jean de Sponde

Week 25 : Monday

So I’ve started my new job this morning, the one I mentioned in my last entry. I’m working on the very edge of the CBD overlooking the river and Richmond, which is very nice. My job title is Senior Web Analyst, but no one has really been able to tell me what that means yet. And it’s government, again. I’d best be careful, lest I inadvertently become a public servant. Uh oh!

Finishing at DOT was great, we went out for yum cha and then had a massive chocolate cake. I had Friday off so slept in, went out for lunch, shopped, napped and then played Blood Bowl. Saturday was Michael’s birthday and we had some people around in the evening and then played Risk till nearly 4am. Gaz stayed over and said things like “I can’t even hold you tight enough right now”. Michael and the girls went to the museum, and I slept all afternoon at Gaz’s house. Then I met mum, dad, Michael and girls at Julia’s work for a massive spud.

I didn’t start till 9:30 this morning, so I slept in for a good while. I finally got out of bed at 8:15, but still managed to shower, wear clean clothes and get here 10 minutes early.

So far it seems good, the people appear to be pretty great and the whole environment is much nicer than DOT. I don’t have a network login yet so can’t actually do any work, but apart from that it’s all gravy.

Head is sore though, like I have a sinus infection. I have a whole lot pressure above and below my eyes and it hurts. Wah.

Week 24 : Tuesday

So despite my best efforts, I’m depressed again anyway.

New approach: get totally hot and undepressed, Gaz won’t want to leave, I will be hot and undepressed even if he does leave?

I finish here at DOT on Thursday, and it looks as though I have a new contract starting on Monday, just waiting for confirmation of the start date and for me to fax some documents in. Pay is great, sounds much more interesting than what I’m doing here (please, contract, don’t make me eat my words!) and the view is magnificent. Still in the city, which is a shame, but overall it’s awesome times.

Had a pretty great weekend. We went to the football on Friday night:

Gaz humoured me and wore Geelong things. At one stage he even said “What the fuck was that?” in a way that suggested he actually knew what was going on. He stood up and cheered and clapped and yelled. It was an horrendous game, so close and stroke inducing. We did win in the end, but I thought everyone in the crowd (all 86,000 of us) might keel over. We sang the theme song just the once, then piss bolted for the tram before everyone else tried to get on it. Then we went to the GB to see Mike, since he’s back from his adventures in fruit picking. That was nice.

On Saturday night Julia and I headed out in pouring rain to the album launch. Gaz announced that he was leaving the band, and I watched him while they played old footage of their gigs and he looked happy and sad. Then he proceeded to try to kill himself with booze, so I drove him home after the bar closed and he stayed up and watched TV while I slept. Then he came in and put his icy cold feet all over me and laughed.

The next morning I woke up early and lay about for 5 hours till Gaz woke up. Then we went to McDonald’s for breakfast. This is what Gaz going to McDonald’s after a big night looks like:

Oh yeah, hands off, he’s mine biatches. A Big Mac, a McAustralia, a cheeseburger, large fries, medium fries. Then he complained that he didn’t feel too good, and I struggled to feel sympathetic I have to admit

We had a conversation about him leaving and I cried. haha, it’s kind of hard to believe with that photo staring at me.

Last night we had Anna’s-new-job-celebration Il Perfetto and slept. Sometime around 5:30 he woke up and grabbed me and held me for ages, stroked my hair, kissed my head.

God, how am I going to do this without him?

Week 23 : Thursday

Thought I might fill out this work survey for something to do. And some other self indulgence.

Week 23 : Monday

Conversations from last night:

ME I have something for you, and I’d kind of like you to guess what it is first so that I can work out if you hate it and then not give it to you or whatever.

Note: my insecurity is palpable, isn’t it?

GAZ Okay. Is it a kitten?

ME No.

GAZ Is it sex? Chocolate? Nerd things?

ME No.

GAZ Is it jewellery? A bracelet? A necklace? An engagement ring?

ME No, don’t be ridiculous!

GAZ Thank God!

ME Sheesh. Geez. Ho ho. You were pretty quick to say ‘Thank God’ though, really, weren’t you? I mean really. It was quick.

GAZ I’ve been with you for barely a year and don’t see the need to rush into marrying someone if you’re going to be with them forever anyway.

ME [During sex, I am awesome] Would you, you know, be with me forever, then?

GAZ Hm.

ME We could have great sex like, all the time.

GAZ That would be a bonus. Mostly I could love you always, and be loved by you always. You know?

GAZ [Yes, still during sex. We talk a lot while we're having sex] Hey, what’s wrong?

ME Oh, you know. It is an engagement ring and I’m sorry!

GAZ REALLY?

[great sex]

GAZ So, when are you going to ‘pop the question’, ho ho!

ME Please never say that again. Anyway, not for ages. I’m having it made.

GAZ Having it made?

ME … I designed it. Oh God.

GAZ That is so sweet. Hug me. … I love you!

ME I uh. I love you too. Obviously. God.

After that we slept, and I spent the whole night dreaming about wedding dresses, and getting married at my school in Adelaide. Like a moron.

Quizzes follow.

Week 22 : Sunday

I am sitting at Gaz’s desk, and he’s asleep in the bed next to me. He looks totally peaceful and beautiful, surrounded by about 16 pillows. He is a lovely sleeper, so inoffensive, he never snores or talks or thrashes about. The worst he ever does is attempt to suffocate me with sleep hugs, forcing my head into his chest mid-dream.

We have had a wonderful weekend. It was his birthday yesterday. On Friday after work we went to my house and Michael went out, so we got pizza and watched Drop Dead Fred and coloured in with the girls. When we woke up, we went to McDonald’s and got hot cakes and coffee and the girls sang happy birthday to him. We went to Chadstone and got a milkshake and I bought new shoes and then we napped. I spent ridiculous amounts of money on snack food and a group of lovely boys came around and we all fought dragons. After everyone left, he and I sat out on his porch with a joint (which I didn’t partake in, obviously) and then giggled and smiled and snuck looks at each other until 3:30am, when we had ridiculously good sex and went to sleep.

I am overwhelmed by him right now, I almost can’t stand to be around him. He has such beautiful eyes and beautiful hands and says such beautiful things without realising and I can’t help but think that I’m supposed to spend a really long time with him.

(Muse lyrics)

Week 21 : Thursday

I had an apple and water for breakfast, and a bagel for lunch. But then I ate a bunch of chocolate.

Tonight I’m going to have dinner with Gaz and then stay over at his place. Now, I was super excited about this, since we haven’t really spent any time together since mid last week and the weekend was so crap, but I’m feeling a bit less enthusiastic now. He was kind of an ass to me. I don’t know if I’m okay with just pretending he wasn’t. And both of our horoscopes say it would be wise to just be at home tonight and actually not talk to anyone. I don’t know if I felt like this before I read the horoscopes.

Trying to rectify my mood, it’s struggling!

…

Kittens help.