I worked at my job for 3 1/2 weeks before things went to hell. Although there was even less to do at DPI than at DOT, I was having a perfectly nice Wednesday before Gaz’s brother gave me a nasty serve about how un-nice I am. While I cried about that in the toilet, a crazy cat woman called my boss and told her to fuck off! WHAT? My very lovely boss sent me to work from home for a couple of days, and when Friday afternoon rocked around she sacked me.

…

Gaz spent those days angry with me because I was upset. So that was pretty awesome as well. Our relationship has generally been kind of bollocksed since he said all those wonderful things I quoted in my last entry -  maybe he spooked himself, I’m not sure. We’re sticking at it and trying though, I think we’re both tired and overwhelmed by life a little bit. I mean, we don’t hate each other or anything, we’ve just lost a bit of spark, I think.

So I’m trying to find more work. I’ve been doing my normal web design stuff, which I am enjoying (though one job in particular seems to go on and on), and this week did some temping for DFAT, which was really interesting. I’m at home typing up the notes from that now to email on.

I moved into a new house about a week and a half ago, in Brighton East. So far I’ve had some difficulty staying there because I miss the girls so much, and it seems like a horrible thing to be so nearby (literally in the next suburb) but not be spending my time with them. I mean, what kind of a parent does that? So I come back and see them, then I stay the night and don’t stay at my house, and so it goes. Lame and expensive and not helpful, I don’t know. Can’t figure out if it’s because I actually don’t really want to leave, or something else, or just because I’m really lame.

Nanna is coming over from Adelaide on Saturday. I am excited, but my brain has been cloudy and confused for a few weeks now and I’m worried that her being here might exacerbate that, worlds colliding and whatnot.

Football on Friday night too – me, Meg, Gaz and Julia.

Update over.

GAZ I’m not going to go away for as long as I’d planned.

Gaz rarely speaks out of the blue, especially when he could be sleeping instead, so this was quite unusual.

ME What? Why?

GAZ I want you.

ME You don’t have to say those things just because I bought you tanks.

GAZ …

ME …

GAZ I don’t want to lose you. I want to come back and live with you and have heaps of cats.

ME … … … …

So I hugged him a lot, as you might imagine.

GAZ I love you so much.

The end.

I’m here at my new job and it’s going pretty well. The work itself is nowhere to be found, so I have been doing some other work to pass the time and that’s been a very productive exercise. I’m lucky enough to have local admin rights and FTP access on this machine, so I have a lot of flexibility. The view is great and the people are very nice. I worry about being stuck in mundaneness yet again.

Gaz and I are perfect if it wasn’t for his leaving, and I continue to surprise myself with the depth and longevity of my devastation about it. I feel as though he’s already left and I am having a relationship with a ghost, prolonging the inevitable and further and further in love with someone I have a completely uncertain (but likely non-existant) future with.

Anyway, that’s boring. Otherwise, things are pretty great and I’ll shake this off eventually.

It is nearly a year since I met Gaz and he stole my heart away. I could never have imagined how many ways he would save me, protect me and make me feel whole again.

Sonnets on Love XIII

“Give me a place to stand,” Archimedes said,
“and I can move the world.” Paradoxical, clever,
his remark which first explained the use of the lever
was an academic joke. But if that dead

sage could return to life, he would find a clear
demonstration of his idea, which is not
pure theory after all. That putative spot
exists in the love I feel for you, my dear.

What could be more immovable or stronger?
What becomes more and more secure, the longer
it is battered by inconstancy and the stress

we find in our lives? Here is that fine fixed point
from which to move a world that is out of joint,
as he could have done, had he known a love like this.

by Jean de Sponde

Finishing at DOT was great, we went out for yum cha and then had a massive chocolate cake. I had Friday off so slept in, went out for lunch, shopped, napped and then played Blood Bowl. Saturday was Michael’s birthday and we had some people around in the evening and then played Risk till nearly 4am. Gaz stayed over and said things like “I can’t even hold you tight enough right now”. Michael and the girls went to the museum, and I slept all afternoon at Gaz’s house. Then I met mum, dad, Michael and girls at Julia’s work for a massive spud.

I didn’t start till 9:30 this morning, so I slept in for a good while. I finally got out of bed at 8:15, but still managed to shower, wear clean clothes and get here 10 minutes early.

So far it seems good, the people appear to be pretty great and the whole environment is much nicer than DOT. I don’t have a network login yet so can’t actually do any work, but apart from that it’s all gravy.

Head is sore though, like I have a sinus infection. I have a whole lot pressure above and below my eyes and it hurts. Wah.

New approach: get totally hot and undepressed, Gaz won’t want to leave, I will be hot and undepressed even if he does leave?

I finish here at DOT on Thursday, and it looks as though I have a new contract starting on Monday, just waiting for confirmation of the start date and for me to fax some documents in. Pay is great, sounds much more interesting than what I’m doing here (please, contract, don’t make me eat my words!) and the view is magnificent. Still in the city, which is a shame, but overall it’s awesome times.

Had a pretty great weekend. We went to the football on Friday night:

Gaz humoured me and wore Geelong things. At one stage he even said “What the fuck was that?” in a way that suggested he actually knew what was going on. He stood up and cheered and clapped and yelled. It was an horrendous game, so close and stroke inducing. We did win in the end, but I thought everyone in the crowd (all 86,000 of us) might keel over. We sang the theme song just the once, then piss bolted for the tram before everyone else tried to get on it. Then we went to the GB to see Mike, since he’s back from his adventures in fruit picking. That was nice.

On Saturday night Julia and I headed out in pouring rain to the album launch. Gaz announced that he was leaving the band, and I watched him while they played old footage of their gigs and he looked happy and sad. Then he proceeded to try to kill himself with booze, so I drove him home after the bar closed and he stayed up and watched TV while I slept. Then he came in and put his icy cold feet all over me and laughed.

The next morning I woke up early and lay about for 5 hours till Gaz woke up. Then we went to McDonald’s for breakfast. This is what Gaz going to McDonald’s after a big night looks like:

Oh yeah, hands off, he’s mine biatches. A Big Mac, a McAustralia, a cheeseburger, large fries, medium fries. Then he complained that he didn’t feel too good, and I struggled to feel sympathetic I have to admit

We had a conversation about him leaving and I cried. haha, it’s kind of hard to believe with that photo staring at me.

Last night we had Anna’s-new-job-celebration Il Perfetto and slept. Sometime around 5:30 he woke up and grabbed me and held me for ages, stroked my hair, kissed my head.

God, how am I going to do this without him?

Where were you born and what is your cultural background?

Born in Adelaide to parents also born in Adelaide (and their parents and their parents and so on). Family is white as white can be, lots of Irish and English. Dad’s family were pirates in the 1700s.

What was your first job?

Data entry for Computershare, fixing up the letters that had been scanned in badly.

What is your most embarrassing moment at work?

There have honestly been so many that I have trouble remembering them. Mostly in a sexual harassment way.

What is your favourite food?

Chocolate. Sometimes I think it’s not actually chocolate, and it’s something healthy, but it’s not.

What is your favourite book?

I have lots of favourites. My current favourite is the one I read last week – The Time Traveller’s Wife.

What is your favourite film?

I’m a girl, so The Notebook. My really truly favourites are The Princess Bride, Flying High, Back to the Future II and Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.

What is your favourite sport to play or to watch?

AFL. Mad Geelong supporter.

What is your favourite band or type of music?

I like everything. Everything.

What do you enjoy doing when you are not at work?

Sleeping, sitting in the sun, reading, hanging out with the girls, going to the pub, watching the football.

What is your secret talent?

That is much too rude for this survey.

Where would you most like to visit, and why?

I’d just like to go to Adelaide, really, and visit my nanna.

July 20, 2000:

1) How old were you?
17

2) Where did you go to school?
Wesley College Prahran

3) Where did you work?
I didn’t, I bludged off my parents.

4) Where did you live?
Brighton

5) Where did you hang out?
McDonald’s, Andrew’s house, alleyways, pubs, etc.

6) Did you wear contacts?
No

7) Who were your favorite friends?
Andrew, Meg, Tammy, Tamara, Lelita

8)How many tattoos did you have?
None

9) How many piercings did you have?
Ears, eyebrow

10) Car you drove?
None

11) Had you been to a real party?
Yes

12) Had you had your heart broken?
Yes

13) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorce?
‘Taken’, complicated

14) Any Kids?
No

****4 years ago July 20, 2004******

1) How old were you?
21

2) Where did you go to school?
Monash

3) Where did you work?
Home

4) Where did you live?
Brighton

5) Did you wear glasses?
For reading

7) Who were your best friends?
Jess

8) How many tattoos did you have?
None

9) How many piercings?
Ears, tongue, labret

10) What car did you drive?
1997 Magna

11) Had your heart broken?
Yes

12) Were you Single/Taken?
Married

13) Any Kids?
1 – Georgia

******Today: July 20 2008******
1) How old are you?
25

2) What do you do?
Till next week I manage intranet content for the Department of Transport

3) Where do you live?
Bentleigh

4) Do you wear glasses?
Reading

5) Who is your closest friend?
Gaz, I guess

6) Do you talk to your old friends?
As much as I can

7) How many piercings do you have?
Ears

8) How many tattoos?
None

9) What kind of car do you have?
2006 Peugeot 307

10) Has your heart been broken?
Yep

11) Single/taken/married/divorced?
Married. Separated? Taken.

12) Any Children?
2

What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Mess!

Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Gaz, Georgia, Lily

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Getting to work

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Sitting here.

Favorite board game?
I have so many. Probably Sorry.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes

What is the last thing you said aloud?
“Well, what does that mean?”

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Vanilla

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Green cordial

What are you wearing right now?
Black socks with white ribbons on them, black skirt, black cami, white shirt, grey scarf, favourite jacket.

What was the last thing you ate?
Potato bake

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No, but I will tomorrow

When was the last time you ran?
Uh. Hm.

What’s the last sporting event you watched?
End of Geelong v W Bulldogs last weekend.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Nanna’s house

Who is the last person you sent a comment on myspace?
Colleen?

Ever go camping?
Sometimes. Not for a long while though.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Poo.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Not really.

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
No, it makes it too fizzy.

What did your last text message say??
“Ok. Sleep tight. X”

Are you someone’s best friend?
I hope so

What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to work, then to the football. Feel like crap now, however.

Where is your mom right now?
Sydney, I think

Look to your left, what do you see?
My phone, a photo album, curtains.

What color is your watch?
I don’t wear one.

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Er. It’s all I know, really.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
I’ve ridden lots!

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Drive thru

Do you have a dog?
No

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Gaz

Any plans today?
Sleep

Are you happy?
Kind of

Where are you right now?
In my bedroom

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Money

Are you allergic to anything?
Not really. Bees.

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My brown boots

Are you jealous of anyone?
No

Are you married?
Yes

Is anyone jealous of you?
Bound to be.

What time is it?
8:49pm

Do any of your friends have children?
A couple

Do you eat healthy?
Try not to

What do you usually do during the day?
Work. Cry.

Do you hate anyone right now?
No, I don’t hate anyone.

Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?
Yes. As in “Hello, Anna speaking”.

How many kids do you want to have?
4

How old will you be your next Birthday?
26

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No

A stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
“Maybe you should put your clothes in here instead of on the floor.”

Ever paid more than a hundred bucks on a pair of jeans?
Yep

What’s bothering you right now?
Oh, Gaz going to Europe, again

Do you want children?
I’d like a couple more, some day.

Do people underestimate you?
Some people do, mum and dad. Some people overestimate me. Some people get it just right.

Does it bother you when someone says they’ll call you and they don’t?
Yes, actually, it does.

Name a quote from the song you’re listening to:
“I’ll be the best fuck you ever had.” heh.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Yep

Last time to the mall?
Friday

Did you sing at all today?
No

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. Lots of people, all the time.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Left

Who has your heart?
Oh, Gaz. Bastard.

How long has that person had it?
From the first minute I saw him.

Do you know how to use some words correctly?
All of them!

Do you like to sleep?
Yes. Yes.

What did you do today?
I woke up at about 8:30, lay around in bed, got naked with Gaz, went to McDonalds for hangover lunch, had a small D&M, came home and played Super Smash Bros. Brawl for ages.

Do you wear a lot of black?
Yes

Do you have a tan?
I have an inverse tan.

Do you like orange juice?
Yes

Where do you wish you were right now?
In Gaz’s bed.

Does your temper flare a lot?
Can do.

What was the last movie that you watched?
Maybe P.S. I Love You.

Do you get emotional easily?
Yes.

When was the last time you cried?
This afternoon.

Do you like to cuddle?
It’s one of my favourite things.

Which shoe goes on first?
Whichever one is closest.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
Not unless it’s very, very hot.

Who did you last hangout with?
Gaz

Who is the last person that made you angry?
Mum?

How much money do you have on you?
About $25.

Close your eyes.. what image do you see?
Ugh. Gaz!

Last piece of mail you got?
Bills.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
7+

Last trip you took to the zoo?
Years ago, Georgia was a baby.

What were you doing two days ago?
I was at the football!

Name things you absolutely cannot stand:
Wow, so many things.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?
More often than I’d like.

Did you feel awkward at all today?
Yep.

What is your favorite kind of gum?
Apple Extra

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Maybe.

What are you listening to?
The girls are laughing.

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing now?
Jinx.

What were you doing at 9 last night?
I was at the album launch in Nth Fitzroy.

Are you comfortable answering personal questions?
Yes, I have no shame.

When is the last time you had ice cream?
Last week, with Milo on it.

ME I have something for you, and I’d kind of like you to guess what it is first so that I can work out if you hate it and then not give it to you or whatever.

Note: my insecurity is palpable, isn’t it?

GAZ Okay. Is it a kitten?

ME No.

GAZ Is it sex? Chocolate? Nerd things?

ME No.

GAZ Is it jewellery? A bracelet? A necklace? An engagement ring?

ME No, don’t be ridiculous!

GAZ Thank God!

ME Sheesh. Geez. Ho ho. You were pretty quick to say ‘Thank God’ though, really, weren’t you? I mean really. It was quick.

GAZ I’ve been with you for barely a year and don’t see the need to rush into marrying someone if you’re going to be with them forever anyway.

ME [During sex, I am awesome] Would you, you know, be with me forever, then?

GAZ Hm.

ME We could have great sex like, all the time.

GAZ That would be a bonus. Mostly I could love you always, and be loved by you always. You know?

GAZ [Yes, still during sex. We talk a lot while we're having sex] Hey, what’s wrong?

ME Oh, you know. It is an engagement ring and I’m sorry!

GAZ REALLY?

[great sex]

GAZ So, when are you going to ‘pop the question’, ho ho!

ME Please never say that again. Anyway, not for ages. I’m having it made.

GAZ Having it made?

ME … I designed it. Oh God.

GAZ That is so sweet. Hug me. … I love you!

ME I uh. I love you too. Obviously. God.

After that we slept, and I spent the whole night dreaming about wedding dresses, and getting married at my school in Adelaide. Like a moron.

Quizzes follow.

Three days from now, will you have sex?
Probably. Thursday does end in a ‘y’, after all.

According to your ex, are you pretty?
Yes, he thinks I’m pretty.

When was the last time you played a sport?
God, like, 7 years ago?

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes

Talk to your ex’s?
All the ones who count.

Have you dated people who weren’t good to you on a regular basis?
Yep.

Name four things you did today:
Had a shower, bought a hot chocolate, did some work, called Michael.

Do you get distracted easily?
-insert funny about being too distracted to answer question-

What made you mad today?
Michael slept in and didn’t take Georgia to kinder.

What would you change about your life right now?
Get my own place and generally stop feeling like I’m in limbo.

How do you feel about public displays of affection?
I love them, they make me feel happy with the world.

Are you happy with your living arrangements?
So, so unhappy.

Have you ever played Twister?
Of course.

Have you ever kissed someone with a J as the first letter?
Um. Hm. I did have a ‘boyfriend’ called Jason, but I never kissed him. I’ve kissed my brother and sister, they both start with J.

Do you have trust issues?
Massive.

Do you have a best friend?
I’m not sure.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to?
Loads. Most of the people I can talk to are of the opposite sex.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yep.

Are you open with your feelings to people?
Probably too open.

Are you loved?
Yes.

Do you care what others think about you?
Only if I care what I think of them.

Last thing you ate?
A bagel with chicken, spinach, mushrooms, avocado and cream cheese.

Did you get any compliments today?
Yes.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette?
Not since 7:30am!

What is in your back pocket?
I have no pockets.

How has this past week been for you?
All over the place. Parts of it have been awesome, and other parts of it have been horrific.

Do you have any bruises?
hehe. I have one on my inner thigh right now.

Are you tired?
No, I had a very early night and feel pretty refreshed today.

If your ex shows up at your door step and apologises, what do you do?
I say hey, you live here, you should just come inside.

The first girl on your top says she’s pregnant, what do you say or do?
“Oh my God, the father isn’t one of those horrible emo boys, is it?”

When was the last time you talked to your boyfriend/girlfriend?
My romantically involved one? A couple of hours ago when he dropped me off.

How is your mood?
Not too bad, all things considered.

Who was your last hug from?
Gaz.

Where did you go today?
Work

Was anybody else there?
…yes, everyone I work with.

Did you see anything you didn’t want to see today?
So far so good.

Did you hear anything you didn’t want to hear today?
Again, so far so good.

Do you have neat handwriting?
Very neat.

Do you like hugs?
I adore hugs, they’re basically my favourite thing in the world.

What are you looking forward to in the next 30 days?
Having some time off after this contract ends.

When will you get your next kiss?
Hopefully this afternoon.

How many kids do you want?
I’d like 4, I think. But well spaced. I’d like to wait another 8-10 years to have the next two, god willing.

DO you want to get married?
I am married. I’d like to get married again, one day.

What is the last thing you drank?
Water.

Are you listening to music?
No, I work in a library.

Do you have a laptop?
Yes.

Last people you rode in a car with?
Gaz.

Can you say the alphabet backwords?
Yes.

Do you have small hands?
No, I have big hands.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working. Someone will probably yell at me for one reason or another.

What should you be doing right now?
This is okay, I don’t have any work to do this minute.

Do you wish someone would call or text you?
Aw, I wish Gaz would text me, just for romance’s sake.

How many times did you swear in this survey already?
None? I’m not too foul mouthed really.

Last person to call you?
Sarita from upstairs.

Do you have any heroes?
Nan. Geelong Football Club.

We have had a wonderful weekend. It was his birthday yesterday. On Friday after work we went to my house and Michael went out, so we got pizza and watched Drop Dead Fred and coloured in with the girls. When we woke up, we went to McDonald’s and got hot cakes and coffee and the girls sang happy birthday to him. We went to Chadstone and got a milkshake and I bought new shoes and then we napped. I spent ridiculous amounts of money on snack food and a group of lovely boys came around and we all fought dragons. After everyone left, he and I sat out on his porch with a joint (which I didn’t partake in, obviously) and then giggled and smiled and snuck looks at each other until 3:30am, when we had ridiculously good sex and went to sleep.

I am overwhelmed by him right now, I almost can’t stand to be around him. He has such beautiful eyes and beautiful hands and says such beautiful things without realising and I can’t help but think that I’m supposed to spend a really long time with him.

(Muse lyrics)

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I’ll always love
You could be the one who listens
To my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken
Pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I’ll always love

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken
Pieces of the life I had before

I’ll be there as soon as I can
But I’m busy mending broken
Pieces of the life I had before

Before you

Tonight I’m going to have dinner with Gaz and then stay over at his place. Now, I was super excited about this, since we haven’t really spent any time together since mid last week and the weekend was so crap, but I’m feeling a bit less enthusiastic now. He was kind of an ass to me. I don’t know if I’m okay with just pretending he wasn’t. And both of our horoscopes say it would be wise to just be at home tonight and actually not talk to anyone. I don’t know if I felt like this before I read the horoscopes.

Trying to rectify my mood, it’s struggling!

…

Kittens help.